innocence lost
by IncubusRhapsodos
Summary: dedicated to all those who have ever lost a loved one. AU. OOC. Saix and Axel. Character death and suicide


A/N: sad little Saix and Axel oneshot. Evidently, my mood is depressed. AU.

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X- Innocence Lost -X

This room was cold and bare. There was no life, no sign of hope. All that stood in this empty room was the bare white walls and the hospital bed that lay on the far end. Not to mention the various machines that measured Axel's heartbeat and breathing rate and the smell that was characteristic of hospitals, always too clean with an underlying stench of sickness that nearly made Saix sick himself.

Axel was alive, Saix knew that, even though he laid still and pallid, engulfed by his meager covers. His body was small and emaciated, his wrists small enough that Zexion could wrap his fingers all the way around them. His facial features were sharp and bony, his eyes slightly sunken. His eyelids were tinted with a pale lavender shadow, his lips pale and slightly cracked. Veins lay in raised, bluish-purple networks under his translucent skin, clearly visible. His pronounced collarbone had become a ridge across his chest, his ribs clearly visible.

Axel hadn't moved in the past three weeks, hadn't opened his eyes, hadn't shown he even knew Saix was there. The only movement his body made was the labored rise and fall of his chest, which was helped along by the breathing machine that was strapped to his face. He had so many wires and tubes hooked into him, so many machines monitoring this vital sign and that vital sign. None of it made sense to Saix, none of it mattered. All he knew was his baby was in a bed hooked up to various machines and he never moved.

Saix reached forward, wrapping his hand tenderly around Axel's bony hand, careful not to disturb the IV that entered the back of his hand. His extremities were chilly, like he'd been out in the cold too long.

_"What's wrong?" Saix said, desperate worry tinging his voice. "Will he be okay?" The doctor had only closed his eyes and shook his head. _

_"What does that mean?" Saix had cried._

_"He's caught some abnormal strain of the flu. It's been rapidly changing and developing resistances to certain medicines. And, I'm afraid, that Axel's anemia may get the better of him."_

_"So you're saying there's a good chance...he could..." Saix felt that familiar lump in his throat and the stinging sensation behind his eyes, and he choked up. "...Die?" Saix covered his mouth as a choked sob escaped his throat. _

_"I hate giving people that kind of report, but I'm afraid that's true. If we'd only caught it sooner...once he went down, the outlook was very poor for him." The doctor's brows furrowed in sorrow. "I'm very sorry, Mr. Akatsuki." Saix's hand came up to cover his mouth again. "So you're saying if I'd brought him in before he'd collapsed...none of this would have happened?" _

_"There's no way you could've known he was sick. The symptoms were silent until he had that one little drop in his white blood count. When that happened, the virus took the oppurtunity and seized him full force." The doctor stood. "We're admitting him now. He's in the ICU, Room 7. You are welcome to stay with him if you'd like."_

_"Of course! I'm not going to let him fight this alone!" Saix jumped to his feet. " Room 7, you said?" The doctor nodded. "The ICU in around the corner and to the right. Room 7 is at the end of the hall. And tell Axel," the doctor sighed, "I'll be praying for him."_

_Axel had suffered high fevers and delirium, shivering and screaming through all hours of the night. Saix, all he could do was stroke Axel's cold, clammy forehead and whisper reassurances through his tears. It was also that night, later on, that Axel fell completely and utterly silent. _

Saix felt the warm moisture moving down his cheeks again, and he wiped the salty tears away. He hated them, how they were warm and soft on his skin, and how they burned like acid after they fell.

That was when he felt Axel's fingers curl weakly around his hand. Saix snapped to attention. "Axel? Axel, can you hear me? If you can hear me, open your eyes...show me you can hear me...please..." Saix waited patiently, watching Axel's face. The lavender tinted eyelids fluttered and opened, barely a slit as he looked up at Saix's tired face.

Axel opened his mouth slightly, a weak sigh esacping his dry lips. "Axel..." Saix whispered, gently stroking Axel's frail cheekbone.

"S-saix...?" Axel croaked, his voice muffled by the mask over his mouth that helped him breathe. "Yeah, baby...it's me..."

"How long have you been here?" he croaked again. "Three weeks." Saix whispered softly. "How long have I been here?" His voice trailed away and squeaked at the end, and he swallowed dryly. "Three weeks," Saix answered again. "I've been here the whole time." Saix kissed Axel's pallid brow softly, still not believing how frail he'd become.

"Thank you," Axel croaked, his pale, slender fingers wrapping stiffly around Saix's warm hand. "This is good, Axel," Saix whispered, stroking Axel's brow again, a smile cracking across his face. "Now we just need you to get better and better and get back to how you used to be. Then we can go home, Axel. We can go home together."

Axel only looked at him tiredly. "Saix I'm...I'm not gonna make it..."

"What? But you're...and you're...why would you even say that?" Saix took Axel's face gently in his palms. "Why would you say that?"

"I'm so tired, Saix...I want to sleep...and he said it was ok."

"Who said that?! Axel?!" Saix's voice was frantic.

"This really pretty guy in a white robe that had wings...he said it was time for me to come home...and there was this really pretty light behind him...but I told him to wait because I had to say goodbye to you first..." Saix's eyes had overflowed by now, and he was gripping his own face in agony. "No...no no no no no no no NO! This isn't going to happen! This can't happen! It can't...It just...can't...how could he...take away...my only..." At this time Saix was completely engulfed in his sobbing, his body quaking as the tear flowed freely down his flushed cheeks.

"Saix...It'll be alright...I be with you, just not in the flesh."

"But I _want _you with me! I _want _you in the flesh! I _want _you _there _for me to hug and kiss and love and cherish...don't go, Axel...just fight a little longer...please..."

"Saix...please...I'm suffering so much as it is...and I'm tired...I'll go pretty soon anyway because my body's giving out on me...it can't take anymore, Saix..."

"Promise me...you'll be alright..."

"I promise, Saix."

"Ok...then do what you need to do." Saix said, choking back sobs. "There's one more thing I'd like to do before I go..."

"What's that?" Saix whispered, stroking Axel's forehead again. "Can we dance, one last time?" Saix hesitated.

"Yeah." Saix hesitantly unhooked all the machines, gently taking the IV out of the back of his hand before gingerly picking Axel up damsel-in-distress style. He was light as a feather, less than one hundred pounds probably. And he slowl swayed from side to side, holding Axel's body close to him, his head resting on Saix's chest.

"Sing," Axel croaked, weakly nuzzling Saix. "Sing my song."

Saix hesitated. And he slowly began to sing.

_" I wanted you to know_

_I love the way you laugh_

_I wanna hold you I can steal your pain away_

_I keep your photograph_

_Cuz I know it serves me well_

_I wanna hold you I can steal your pain_

_Cuz I'm broken_

_When I'm open_

_It don't feel right_

_When you've gone away..."_

Saix choked up, feeling Axel's breaths dying away steadily, and he could sing no more. The joy and the hope drained out of his system as he crouched on the ground cradling Axel's lifeless body. He kissed Axel one last time before the doctors came rushing in.

They stopped abruptly, seeing Saix holding Axel in his arms, his face pressed against Axel's cheek. "He...he's gone..." His jaw began to tremble, the agony slowly forcing its way to the surface, building up slowly. Saix slowly stood, facing the doctors. "He's gone..." Saix's eyes traced the curve of his body one last time before he laid Axel back down on his bed. "He's dead."

Saix slowly walked into the waiting room where Xemnas, Demyx, Xigbar and Zexion waited to hear Axel's outcome. Demyx rushed up to him. "Is he okay, Saix? Will he be able to come home soon?" Saix numbly shook his head. Demyx gulped. "Later...?" Once again Saix shook his head. Demyx's breath hitched as tears filled his eyes. "He's...not coming home, is he...?"

Saix shook his head again. The agony began tearing at his insides like a berserk animal, and he gave in, falling to his knees as a strangled sob escaped his throat. His hands grasped at his face and he cried out over and over, crying until he felt his lungs would burst, crying until his throat became raw and then he cried some more. His arms encircled his chest, trying to hold himself together.

He felt Xemnas' arms wrap around him and pull him close. It was then everything faded to black and he felt no more.

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The next morning, Saix found himself in his apartment, dazed and confused. That didn't hurt him. But when he rolled over and felt the cold sheets next to him, the agony returned and crashed down like a tidal wave upon his fragile psyche. Wailing, Saix stormed into the bathroom, rummaging through the cabinets for something. His wailing only ceased when his hand withdrew with a razor blade, sharp and cold.

This had been a normal practice for him before Axel, and he wasn't ashamed to revert to old habits. Except, this time it would be different. His brought the razor blade to his neck right up against the jugular, before he pressed in and made a quick downward stroke, crimson immediately pouring over his hand.

His pulse continued to spew blood, soaking his sleeves and shirt and pants, staining the marble sink red and making little drips on the floor. Everything started to waver, and he did nothing to stop the bleeding. He simply crouched on the floor, watching the precious fluid drain out of his body.

His limbs were losing feeling, seeping up to his trunk and neck, giving him a euphoric, blissful feeling as he slowly faded away. All the while, a smiple phrase played over and over in his head, _'We'll go home together,' _and it was the last thing he heard before everything went black and he fell asleep for eternity.

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Disclaimer: I own nothing.

All lyric credit goes to Seether and Amy Lee. By the way if I got any of the lyrics wrong, please tell me. The song is Broken by Seether and Amy Lee.


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